I’m a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. I have not met the rest of the bridal party but we have conversed via email and none of us are on the same page about anything. After a huge blowup about dyed-to-match shoes (eww) I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with any more madness until the wedding. Well, the other day I received an email from the MOH discussing the bridal shower. Now, I have already told the bride that I cam not sure if I would be able to attend due to living out of town and work. In the email, the MOH asked the rest of the bridal party how much the shower was going to cost and how that would be split between the rest of us. I was taken aback by this because it was my understanding that the MOH covers the costs (it is her cousin) or a family friend and NOT the entire bridal party. This wedding has been such a financial burden from day one and I don’t think it’s fair to keep asking me to add more money. Is it proper etiquette for bridesmaids to pay for such things as the shower?

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc

I’m always surprised at what people think they know about weddings, especially the pre-wedding parties. A bridal shower isn’t mandatory, or really even necessary in most cases anymore. But more than that, no one is obligated to host one! So, if someone like the MOH decides she wants to throw a shower, she really needs to check with the rest of the bridal party, letting them know and asking if they can or want to be involved. Again, it is not up to the MOH to decide that there will be a shower and then tell the bridesmaids they owe a certain amount. Anyone interested in participating should get together and all agree on where, when how and, most important, how much.

So, what do you do about this when it’s obvious that this MOH somehow has the idea that it’s her job and the job of the rest of the bridal party to host and pay for the shower? It’s a sensitive subject which you’ll have to discuss with her. I’d recommend telephone since your not nearby (no email or texting for these sorts of things because you need to hear the inflection in the voice). Explain that you won;t be able to attend and if you’d like to participate tell her on what level. Perhaps you cannot afford to give financial support so in that case maybe offer to write and mail the invitations or make some sort of shower game,. It’s up to you with the shower.

However, there are financial expenses you should expect when you agree to be a bridesmaid which can include buying shoes you don’t like.

Be sure to read our guide to bridesmaid’s duties (for future bridesmaids BEFORE you accept) so you’re sure about what’s expected of a bridesmaid.

I hope the rest of the pre-wedding planning goes well and you’re able to make things right for the bride.

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Great advice! Also, many times it is the bridesmaids who do host. But, they shouldn’t be expected to do so.