Is it rude to have an adult-only wedding and reception?

I am planning a 5 pm wedding in May and a 7 pm reception which will last until 11 pm. I live in NC and have been here settled for over 9 years and my husband-to-be is from another country and has been here for 6 years. We are planning the wedding in NC where we live. The majority of the guests will come from out of town. We have decided not to have children in or at the wedding. We want to keep things small and less complicated. I have 11 nieces and nephews and only 3 are over the age of 17. We plan to inform guest that this is an adult wedding and reception and request no children under the age of 17.

Is this rude? I want all the guest to enjoy the ceremony and the festivities. With everyone having to attend to children and worry about traveling with children and accommodations, especially with the time of the event, I fear that may be too much of a demand. Being that my parents will end up taking care of and providing accommodations for my nieces and nephews with the exception of 2.

Am I being rude and inconsiderate? Please help.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc®, a wedding planning guide, and Recent Mother of the Groom –

Dear No Children:

Please don’t assume to know what will make your guests comfortable in regard to their children since many parents feel more comfortable to have their children with them then to leave them behind with a babysitter. I would invite whomever you like and allow them to make the choice. However, if it is you and your fiance who would rather the kiddies not attend then that is your choice.

If you’d like to make these out of town parents really comfortable, arrange for babysitting either at the home of family or a good friend or at the guests’ hotel. Once again, allowing the parent to decide if they will utilize that option.

Please speak to your mother about all of this since you are concerned that she will be the one handling the out of town guests.

More Invitation Guides:

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Dear No Children,

And, no you are not rude and inconsiderate. The event you describe sounds adult in nature. Children are usually in bed by 8/8:30.

Please do not write “no children” or “adults only” on your invitations. This is not considered polite. You list only those whom you wish to invite on the outside of the inner envelope. Only those listed are invited.

You can tell family members why you do not want children under the age of 17. Word of mouth works fairly well. Now with all of that said, some will still bring their children. Sorry, but they do.

Best wishes,

Reader/No Children Response:

I spoke with many of my family members and friends with small children and they completely understand. They all said if they had it to do over again they would get the word out of no small children at the ceremony. They also said their kids are usually on the way to bed by then and if they did bring them they would have to leave early and they would not want to do that. So fortunately it looks like it is going to work out. Thanks for the help.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc®, a wedding planning guide, and Recent Mother of the Groom –

Thank YOU for coming back and letting us know how it all turned out. Yoour consideration may help another bride relax to know that these problems do have a way of working themselves out.

ENJOY and be happy!

Fellow Bride

I’d consider it rude and wouldn’t come. I also probably wouldn’t talk to the person anymore if they insisted on it.

I am having a very frustrating problem regarding my future sister-in-law. My future sister-in-law was one of my bridesmaids.

She complained about everything; the style of the dress, the shoes, and the seamtress who will be altering the dress.

Recently, she told me that she is pregnant and will be six months pregnant at the time of the wedding. I was very upset and worried because the dress style is mermaid and the order for the dresses have already been placed. So she suggested that she not be in the wedding party and that I ask someone else.

So I did ask another one of my friends to be in the wedding party.

Well, last week my future sister-in-law asks my fiance if children were allowed in at the wedding. He said that no children were allowed in the wedding except those that are in the wedding party. We already had discussed this months ago that her son is not invited to the wedding. He will only be 12 months old at the time of the wedding. Well, her response was that she will not come to the wedding because she cannot find a babysitter.

This has caused me alot of anger. I feel that she is being very selfish. My parents are extremely angry as well. I haven’t discussed my feelings with her yet. I feel that something should be said, however I’m afraid that my temper might get the best of me. HELP!!

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Please have your fiance talk to your future sister-in-law. It is his sister. It is best for you to keep your distance to keep family peace.

Sorry.

Jill Curtis, Psychotherapist, Author, How to Get Married … Again (A Guide to Second Weddings)

Keep in mind that your sister-in-law is probably disappointed she can’t be in the wedding party – but as she was originally, can you not make an exception for her to bring her baby? Remember, tiffs in the family have a way of lingering on, so try not to let this become a big issue.

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites, Inc®, a wedding planning guide, and Recent Mother of the Groom –

With all due respect to Jill…from an etiquette persepctive, unless there are no other children that could be brought along (in that case DO allow your sister-in-law to bring her baby, what harm could that cause?) it’s better to exclude all children than to allow one and have to deal with a lot of other hurt feelings. Do a bit of research and see if there are any other parents who might want to bring their children…you usually know these people.

Emily Bouchard, MSSW, Life Coach, Speaker, and Trainer

I see this as an opportunity to learn a whole new way to approach how you communicate and get your needs expressed in the world. Throughout your married life, you will hit up against differing needs and wants with your husband. Your future sister-in-law is giving you a chance to look at how you approach life when someone is unhappy with what you want, and you get to see how you’re expression of what you want is getting reactions from others.

I recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s work on NonViolent Communication to you. When two people are able to connect heart to heart and truly understand each other’s needs, it is quite easy to determine a solution that works for both sides.

See if you can put aside your hurt, and discover the power that comes when you choose empathy and compassion instead. How possible is it that a newly pregnant woman with a child who isn’t even 12 months is screaming out stress, hormones, and her own needs for security, control, and safety for herself and her family. I cannot even imagine what is going on for her right now.

I wish you both well.