I am the MOH in my friends upcoming wedding. It was supposed to be a casual affair that has turned into this extravagent event. She is having a desination wedding in Mexico, a destination bachlorette party in Arizona, and a huge bridal shower (60+ guests). This has turned into a major expense for me. In addition, there are two other bridesmaids, one of which I do not get along with and the other of which the bride doesn’t even really like. So I have a lot of concerns in general.

However, to get to the point about the Bridal Shower. The Bride is basically planning it (with the help of her mother) yet I am technically supposed to be the one hosting it. However, if I were to host it myself, it would be a whole different thing because I would have control over what I could afford and what I wanted to have at it. However, I have no control of it – it is like I am really not even hosting it. The Bride and her mom have picked the place, the day and time, and have the invitations ready for 100 people or more. They are thinking of having it catered as well. But I know I am expected to pay for a large portion of all of this. Especially since we still need cake, decorations and party favors. I do not know if the other two Bridesmaids are going to chip in or not (something tells me they think it is all my responsibility).

So what can I do to help control costs of this Bridal Shower and have some say in the planning? I feel almost as if my friend (the bride) doesn’t think I would do a good job (which is ridiculous!!) adn that she doesn;t respect my suggestions or ideas. So what I said to her was basically…please just make me a list of the things you need me to take care of and I will do and pay for just those things. I also suggested she divide up the remaining things that need to be done between the other Bridesmaids as well and any family members that can help out. Was that an ok suggestion given the circumstance?

I am very hurt about all of this actually [:(]- how she just expects us to drop everything and pay tons of money for her special day. This whole thing is going to cost at least $4K. I dont want to seem like a cheapskate – but really. When she was in my wedding, she didn’t pay for anything, other than the standard dress, shoes and gift. She did not have my Bridal Shower. So I guess I feel like since I did not expect (or enforce it on my Bridesmaids because I think it absurd and unright to ask them to spend so much money) that I am upset that she expects it.

Did I mention that we are really good friends – she considers me her best friend even. So I am baffled why she would treat me this way and why she is acting like such a DIVA

Nancy Tucker

Dear Hurt-MOH,

Think about this now, you are friends but you haven’t even voiced your concern? Communicate to her you inability to handle the finances for such a huge bridal shower. It is very possible that she has not intention of you paying for any or all of it. When in doubt, talk it out! Don’t risk a friendship without giving her a chance to know your concern.

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

I agree that a whole lot of talking needs to be done here. However, did you know that you are not responsible for the costs of her bridal shower. Oh yes. The bridal shower is an optional event and one that you have the option to host or not.

Plus, there are some serious problems with this shower. Only those invited to the wedding are to be invited to the shower. She is having a destination wedding and is inviting this many to her shower? Hopefully all of these are invited to the wedding.

Another huge problem, and a great illustration why mothers and brides should stay away from bridal shower planning, is the size of the shower. It is too big! How can any of these guests feel as if they are special and part of the wedding planning process. And, the fact that they are both planning this is beyond… well, not polite.

We never host a gift giving situation for ourselves.

I sympathize with you, especially since you have no control over any of this. I suppose the only thing you can do is to talk to them. But, please do not feel as if you must pay up. This is not the case.

I give you permission to close the wallet 🙂

Best wishes,

Donna, Wedding Queen, President; Top Wedding Sites

Honesty is the best policy. Tell the diva bride that you were not planning on this sort of expenditure when you were invited to be a part of the wedding (cite the expenses that were a part of being a bridesmaid in your wedding as your example), and that you simply cannot afford these expenses. If she’s really your best friend she will understand. If not, maybe it’s best to find out now.