Hello,

My in-laws are throwing my fiancee and I a Jack and Jill party instead of a traditional shower. They and my fiancee have decided to ask the guests to pay an amount per guest, which would include the meal and monetary gift (so guests wouldn’t have to bring a gift). They will also be having a raffle at the Jack and Jill. I have tried to tell them that I think (and some of my bridesmaids) believe it is inappropriate to ask guests to pay, but they say that it is fine. Basically, they aren’t listening and are going to go through with this. I don’t know what to do. Is this idea appropriate? How does this reflect on me?

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Dear Has a Good Head on Her Shoulders,

Yikes! Run for the hills. You and your bridesmaids are correct. This is not only tacky, presumptuous, and impolite, it is against all bridal protocol.

His parents should not be hosting and this is a prime example of why. Parents tend to get a bit greedy in the process. They want as many gifts, or in your case a great party as possible for their children. All parents do. But, this does not make for a reasonable host.

And, for your fiance to be involved with any of the planning is like hosting his own shower. Yikes again.

Charging guests or even asking them to pay for anything is a major no-no. It is like asking your guest to pay or host the party they are hosting. Not nice.

How are the guests going to view you? I don’t know how to put this any more politely. This is viewed as classless. This is not something that you want to be involved with in any way.

Please tell them that if they want to do this, you will have to decline. I can hear the reservation in your words. I think that you will regret it if you allow yourself to be involved. That is just my opinion. You will have to do what you feel is right for you.

Best wishes and please let us know how this goes.