I am in a wedding in a few months. The MOH is the bride’s sister, and is planning the bachelorette party. I recently got an e-mail from her telling me to keep a certain date open because that would be the “Bachelorette Party/Lingerie Shower”. I have never heard of a Lingerie Shower before, and a search here doesn’t bring up much.

Does that mean I am expected to buy her a nice gift for the Bachelorette party? How much do people generally spend on these things? Do I buy gifts for both this and the actual shower? Am I still expected to chip in for the costs of the bachelorette party itself?

Rebecca Black, Etiquette By Rebecca

Dear Jade,

This is one of the big, huge, gigantic (!) reasons I do not care for combining these events. The shower is traditionally a gift giving party, although it is becoming less so. The guests don’t pay for anything beside a possible gift. The bachelorette is an entirely different type of party with odd rules. It is not a gift giving event (yea), but the guests share the cost of the party and chip in for the bride’s expenses. So, combining these two doesn’t work well.

And, what if some guests are only invited to the shower and not the bachelorette?? Mothers and grandmothers are invited to showers, but not to bachelorette parties–big problem with her planning.

Additionally, you are not obligated to pay for hosting this party since you were not involved in the planning. But, traditionally you should have been involved in the planning of the bachelorette.

If you attend this party, you are only obligated to share in the cost of a shower gift, which would be lingerie. There are no gifts for the bachelorette. However, neither really should be a gift giving event since she combined them. We never ask our guests to pay for a shower, which they will be if it is also a bachelorette.

Please ask her to rethink her planning. I’m getting dizzy with all of this. [:)]

If there is another shower (hopefully only one more), you are not obligated to give another gift. If you helped plan, you would be obligated to share in the cost.

There is no given amount people pay to host these events.

Best wishes,

JadedBridesmaid

Thanks for your response!